Home for the Holidays?
By Jennifer Arias, Psy.D. (she, her, ella)
Are you dreading seeing your family during the holidays? This is a common concern for many people I work with, and something I understand as a human with a complex and lively family of my own. Although we know all families have difficulties, we often feel even more stress and shame because of the perfect images we see of happy families and the idea that a “perfect” family exists, along with the idea that we “should be thankful” regardless of how the relationships in our families actually feel and impact us.
As you read this, I want you to hear how normal it is to struggle with the relationships in your family, the roles you are expected to play, the sense of responsibility, and past hurts that have not been healed. It actually takes a lot of work by an individual and their family to figure out how to balance all different, changing needs and long shared history. As difficult as it can be to find a balanced way through the holidays, it is possible and so worth the effort as you experience some relief from the tension of just bearing with things as they are.
One important way to begin finding a more balanced way to engage with your family is to take time to understand your honest feelings about your family. Another step is understanding your choices when it comes to how you engage. This is a big area where clients often find relief. Families have a really great way of exerting pressure to keep things the same. Our brains and mind really like when things are predictable, even when we don’t actually enjoy what is happening. Below you will find some questions to help you think through your feelings and options.
· What are your honest feelings about seeing your family? (Make a list and don’t edit yourself.)
· What are the parts you are excited for? What are the parts you are worried about or would rather not participate in?
· Are there certain family members or expectations that are more difficult to deal with?
· What are your options in participation? If you could show up in the way that made you happy and no one would be upset, what would that look like?
After you have taken time to reflect, notice how you feel as you consider the upcoming holidays and events. Notice where you feel excitement and where you feel worry or obligation. In my work with college students, as we discussed family obligations, it often came as a shock when I asked why they needed to go home to see their families when they clearly did not want to. They felt they “should” and this often led to helplessness. When these new adults realized they did not actually have to go home, they were better able to make decisions that honored all their needs along with their relationships with loved ones. Some went home and some didn’t. “Healthy” looks different for each us. As you make decisions in your own life, I invite you to notice what you actually HAVE to do and what you are CHOOSING to do, and how it makes you feel when you notice you have choices.
Whatever these words and questions have brought up for you, I believe you will be able to find the best ways to love your family while loving you too. If you would like more support in this process, we would love to help support you. Reach out for information on our warm and insightful therapists who offer both individual or family therapy, and join the waitlist for our DBT relationship skills group to help you learn more skills for your important relationships.
To learn more about groups or to schedule an appointment with Dr. Arias, please contact us directly at (310) 271 2275 or email us at info@drpaulabruce.com.
© All rights reserved.